A Bumblefuck Christmas, the Event

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The highlight of the night was when I lost my shit on Thing 1. But there’s more to come before that.

We arrived. You go in to Scooter & Char’s place through the back door b/c the front door is blocked with stuff. They also use the front porch for storage. That’s where Elvis was. I asked Char, “Where’s Elvis?”

Char: “On the porch.”

Me: “I hoped he’d be in here w/ a Santa hat on.”

Thing 2 ran & got the porcelain bust of Elvis & put a Santa hat on him. Awesome. I forgot the camera though. Sorry.

A sample of conversation:

Jed, to Hawk: “Do you ever see unicorns?”

Hawk: “Rarely.”

Jed: “If you ever see any, you should get it for (Char). She loves the damn things.” Meaning black velvet posters, figurines, etc. Then she showed us the ginormous unicorn heads sculpture Scooter gave her. Hey, it’s better than an angel sweater; at least she wanted it.

The menu:

urkey & gravy, plain mashed potatoes (no black specks), stuffing (actually balls of bread held together by butter or broth – no onion, no celery, no spices), jellied cranberry sauce cut lengthwise and a bowl of black olives. And pop to drink.

So Char is putting everything on the tables & she says, “I feel like something’s missing.” There are three bowls on the table: turkey, potatoes, stuffing. So, trying to be helpful, I say, “Is there a vegetable? Like corn?” With a tone of “Um, DUH,” she answers, “No.” Of course not. So I say, “Is there a salad?” She shoots me a dirty look. So I say, “Because we got salad for Thanksgiving and I forgot to put it out.”

*crickets chirping*

I say, “Maybe rolls?”

She snaps, “I sent that idiot (Scooter) for rolls and he didn’t bring me any.”

I decide to stop “helping.” Then she realizes that it’s the rolls she’s missing. Meat, starch, starch, what’s missing…? Starch.

Apparently there was a dessert. Three hours after arriving, it hadn’t been served so I don’t know. Coffee had already been consumed. Hawk, who had had three hours of sleep, had fallen asleep holding Holden, who was asleep. He & Z had fallen asleep on the car ride and Z spent the first half hour there trying to go back to sleep. Too much noise & light. I mean seriously. Christmas Day? Jeebus.

TV viewing? Cartoon Network. Pokemon and some other crap. Also, The Santa Clause on TV. Damn that was a piece of shit. What did I watch on Christmas morning while kids were playing & I was blogging? The Lion In Winter. Now THAT is a Christmas movie.

And then…

Back to S&C’s. We exchanged gifts. The Things liked their gift cards. They did not care much for the BrainQuest cards, probably b/c they’re failing in school & this was a way of saying “Study.” But Thing 2 did eventually go through his cards & he seemed to be liking them.

Scooter asked Thing 1, who will be 11 in March, what he got from us. His reply? A shug and “It sucks.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Thing 1: * shocked silence *

Me: “Did you just say ‘it sucks’?”

* no response, staring straight ahead *

Me: “What is wrong with you? Somebody gives you a gift and you don’t even say ‘thank you?’ You just say ‘it sucks?’” Pause. No response. “You know, I almost bought you a book on manners and maybe I should have.”

*no response, staring straight ahead *

Me: “You know, we were going to get you something nice but we took that money and replaced the toys and furniture you broke at our house.”

Thing 1, still not looking at me but his eyes get wide. Busted.

Scooter: “What toys?”

Me, still looking at Thing 1, “They broke Zoe’s toy sword at Halloween and then they hid it up high on a shelf.”

Scooter, to Thing 1: “Who broke it?”

Me: “I don’t care who broke it. They were both playing with it and tearing around like maniacs.”

Now everyone is looking.

Me: “I’ll tell you this, (Thing 1), that’s the last gift you’re going to get for a long while if you think they suck so much. I have half a mind to take tthat one back and then you’d have nothing. How would that be?

* no response, staring straight ahead *

Me: “Someone goes to the trouble to pick a gift for you and all you can say is ‘it sucks.’ How do you think that makes people feel?”

* no response, staring straight ahead *

Finally his father takes him upstairs. He never apologized. I didn’t take the gift back b/c, as I said before, it’s his. He can set it on fire if he wants. But to say “it sucks” with a sneer on your smarmy face? If no one else is going to say anything about his attitude, I will. Obviously.

FYI: They got guns for Christmas. Brilliant.

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