February 19, 2007...10:21 am
Sex for the married woman
In the interest of fair play, here’s some advice for us ladies.
According to this Babyproofing Your Marriage book that’s so hot right now, there’s a very simple solution to having a happy husband while keeping time for yourself (time to attend to children, clean your toilets, defrost a chicken, etc.) :
The book is full of helpful tips - one of the most notorious being the ‘Five Minute Fix’ - how did you first come across this useful tactic?
Well, it’s not as if we invented it! We just realized that, as sex acts go, this one was totally undervalued by women. It wasn’t until we became overworked, time-starved mums that we saw the obvious benefits. You don’t have to take your clothes off, the time you spend on it is minimal, and your husband thinks you are a Goddess! When we mentioned the idea at one of our men’s focus groups and got a gob smacked, “Good God, that would transform my marriage” reaction, we knew we were on to something.
Your husband thinks you’re a goddess? Is this true? B/c damn. I must be Isis.
And do women really stop doing that once they’re married? Maybe they’re withholding it until the guys finish the ironing. Hell, they could do it during the ironing! Think of the time you’d save!
Anyway, I must have missed the meeting where we married gals decided not to do that. I also missed the meeting about how we’re supposed to make sex acts one-sided on the enjoyment front.
The “interview” at the book’s website is full of self-congratulatory nonsense. Apparently they think they’re invented things like saying “I got the baby last time” when there was no last time. I’ve done that (what’s more is I’m sure he knows). They spend paragraphs telling me that I’m exhausted and resenting my husband and then they tell me to blow him and pretend that I’ve just asked “is there hope? Do things ever get better?”
No. They never ever get better. You will be tired and bitter and miserable the rest of your life and therein lies the glory of motherhood. You must buy into the Madonna/whore theory. And whatever you do, don’t stop blowing your husband!
See this kind of goes with the previous related post. If you’re tired and bitter and angry that your husband isn’t pulling his weight as a member of the household (whether he is or it’s just your perception b/c you are exhausted and frustrated), are you really seriously going to pull off a quick one-sided sex act? Don’t you think that in that circumstance it might be considered another chore on the list to tick off before you get back to vacuuming Cheerios out of the carpet? It makes no sense to me at all to make this suggestion when you have a whole book about the huge changes that take place in a marriage when you bless your union with issue and about how housewives (screw all the PC nonsense) are overworked and asexual.
See what you need to do is this: take care of kids and try to clean up living room to make a serene space. Bathe children. Get them into bed. Meanwhile the husband cleans the kitchen, including doing dishes. Then you sit down in peace and quiet and watch the repeat of “Rome” from earlier in the evening and talk about a silly list you saw on the Internet. Then you retire for the evening and, well, let’s just say I could write a whole book called “Shut Up And Fuck For Fun.”
ETA: Susie Bright, as usual, has good advice on the subject. See #4 especially, in relation to this discussion, but all points are good for all people (male, female, in between, gay, straight, in between, partnered, solo… everyone!).
14 Comments
February 19, 2007 at 10:44 am
Okay, but the thing I find with the five-minute-fix is that the more he gets that kind of action, the more he feels like a sexual being and actually initiates real sex. I agree about tired and bitter and all, I’m just saying.
February 19, 2007 at 10:55 am
It’s a regular and favorite at Chez Piggyhawk as well. I just find it funny that they spend an entire book telling me how put-upon I am and then they suggest something that, in a certain mood, might be considered “one more chore.”
Also it works in the other direction, which they seem to fail to mention (and which was hinted at in the previous related post).
Does Dino Spouse think you’re a goddess?
February 19, 2007 at 11:06 am
i wish i could be married and have sex all the time.
February 19, 2007 at 11:15 am
hee….I went on a tangent at the vacuum cleaner comment. Because you could do some multitasking there. I think the iron could be dangerous though.
This is a myth, right. That wedding cake is the most powerful libido killer known to man (or woman)?
February 19, 2007 at 11:17 am
Apparently they’re substituting “baby” for “cake” but yeah it’s a whole book about the same myth. That’s probably why it irks/amuses me so much.
February 19, 2007 at 11:22 am
I don’t think it’s a myth - there have been a lot of articles about the lack of sex between couples who are parents. But everyone’s different, natch. Just for an example, to me five minute sex is “real sex.” If I had to deal with a long, romantic evening, I’d be fast asleep by the time the action started, especially if there was alcohol involved.
February 19, 2007 at 11:28 am
Oh totally. As was my mantra when H slept in our room as a newborn, “Do what you like, just do it fast and do it quiet so as not to wake the baby.”
Hawk says that you know you’re old when you weigh sleep versus sex and you pick sleep. I think that’s more the case here. As long as you’re on the same wavelength (not one partner wants sex and one wants sleep), things are fine. I don’t think it’s a question of being old though. I think it’s a question of what’s going on in life. If you’re exhausted from housewifely stuff all day (previous related post), then you value sleep.
Hrm. Maybe that’s the angle I should have used for this whole discussion…
February 19, 2007 at 3:21 pm
Also it works in the other direction, which they seem to fail to mention
Just for the record, there’s a whole bunch of us guys out there who would be quite thrilled if we were able to spend five minutes performing a “reverse five minute fix” when there’s no time or inclination for anything else. I can’t imagine, however, that a wife who feels put upon, tired, or otherwise disinclined to sex would okay five minutes of a reverse five minute fix.
By the way, this entire thread is making me rethink the “looking at rings” phase I’ve sort of recently been teetering on the edge of. Y’all may be costing TG her rock.
February 19, 2007 at 3:30 pm
Oh no — not rethinking the rock!
See what ron says? How he wishes he could be married for the constant stream of nookie it provides?
This whole marriage thing… there’ll be a nice post come September, once we have ten years of it at Chez Piggyhawk. I’d like to go on but my younglings are trying to smother each other. I’ll say this though: there’s a great aphrodisiac not in a piece of jewelry or in a one-day party but in a man saying, “I want you forever.” It can last an awful long time, despite statements like, “Now you’re big AND pregnant.”
February 19, 2007 at 5:56 pm
Shut up and fuck for fun sounds like a much better read.
February 19, 2007 at 6:01 pm
Oh….he DIDN’T say that!
hrm…I guess my situation is a bit different, because when The Gentleman comes to call, it requires forethought, and planning, and schedule coordination. So, even when I’m feeling like a hamster on its wheel with all the stuff I have to do, or stressed about the laundry and the floor and the…..I’m still happy to be in the place that I’m getting naked (or dressed up) with somebody. So I’m looking to have the best time possible and show The Gentleman how happy I am he’s here, even if I am annoyed that he made a mess of my towels or whatever.
February 19, 2007 at 6:04 pm
Yes he did. Luckily I was in a good mood and I can break it out every now & then as a joke. People really like that story. After they gauge my reaction
February 22, 2007 at 8:42 am
If you want to feel less put-upon, do the following:
Make a list of all the chores to be performed around the house. Number 35 should read “clean the oven.” Number 36 should read “have sex”. Tell husband that number 36 will be performed after the other 35 are attended to. Last time I did this, said husband did all chores including cleaning the oven. Watching a man clean the oven is like foreplay to me. I’m just saying . .
April 14, 2008 at 3:53 pm
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