Ten minutes later, I give up on titling my Richard Jeni entry

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Hawk & I were distressed to hear about Richard Jeni. I quoted him here not long ago and we quote his “A Good Catholic Boy” all the time. Like to the point of insanity. In fact, I quoted it to Thordora over the weekend. The part about how he wished that crazy women would wear their crazy right out in the open* so you’d know what you were getting into: (miming a dinner date with a woman, the man thinks) “Why is she buttering the back of her chair?”

These are some of the favorites at Chez Piggyhawk.

On p0rn: “It’s a beatiful love story… with all the boring parts taken out.” **

On priests (who sound like Kermit the Frog): “Lord. O Lord. Lord you are holy. Holy, holy, holy. Boy are you holy.”

On singing in church: “O Hosannah, oh don’t you…”

Miming a couple literally putting “all their cards on the table”: Man: “I have an invisible friend called ‘Bosco.’” Woman: “You know Bosco?!”

I wish I could remember the bit about women farting in bed and the angels falling around their bodies w/ their wings on fire. Anyway, there’s comedy gold there. More quotes:

(On death) “Way I see it, we’re all on the Hindenburg, no use fighting over the window seat.”

* “The only difference between the women I’ve dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nutcase when you first meet him.”

(On religion) “You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.”

“I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion…what was that conclusion, anyway?”

“The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals out there. Type in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire’ and the computer will say, ‘Specify type of goat.’”

“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.”

“They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house. Breakfast, for example.”

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.”

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”

And the most popular Richard Jeni quote seems to be:

“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’”

I think we need to buy some DVDs…

** I use this one at least once a week in some capacity. Ask anyone.

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