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BFD has an interesting post up today that made me want to make up for not doing a Sexography entry yesterday (as you know, Tuesdays, we go out): You’re Fat, Ugly, Slutty And Dumb (And So Am I).

I’m not ugly or dumb but I’ll cop to slutty and fat on occasion. If you’re somewhat new to reading here, you might not know that a troll once accused me of writing of nothing but sex toys and underwear. And if you’re new you might be saying “Well isn’t that true?” Wait, that’s the second time I’ve quoted Banky Edwards this morning…

So anyway…

Yeah, I talk about sex toys and underwear. I talk about a lot of things. But sex toys are intrinsically funny (pinchy pinchy) and it’s fun to write about things that are as silly as a vibrating octopus.

But none of that is what I planned to write today’s Sexography about. When H fell asleep on the way home yesterday, Hawk took in the groceries and we went for a tour of greater Bumblefuck, which means we had a conversation and stuff. We were going through a tiny speck of a Bumblefuckian outcrop when Hawk said, “Why were there three majorettes from here?” I said that they were so competitive that probably one of them took to baton and then the others did and they just kept one-upping each other until they were all trying to be captains ‘n’ ‘at. I said I took up baton for the costumes.

Hawk laughed.

I said, “Seriously. I hated the band uniform, especially that hat (it looked like the hats on the guards at Buckingham palace only less shaggy; you could store your music & gloves inside it). I thought, ‘Well I could try out for colorguard but those uniforms aren’t much better. I’ll take up baton.’ And I did and I got good and I made it.”

Hawk said, “And once you got the better uniform, did you get more dick?”

I said, “Baby, I had all the dick than I could handle and then some.”

To be quite frank, the uniforms were not sexy. Well, the one was but we rarely wore it. It was white and gold sequiny swimsuit-looking ones — sequins all over, including the trim around the arm and leg openings (ouch). Traditional majorette costumes. We went to the Shenandoah Apple Blossom Festival in Winchester, VA once (that’s a blog entry in and of itself) and the captain and band director wanted us to wear the crappy costumes we always wore. I spoke up and said that this was a traditional parade, televised, and that if we wanted to fit in and not look like the Bumblefuckians we were, we needed to wear the white & gold. Apparently my public speaking and persuasiveness experience were enough b/c we wore the white & gold and we actually ended up placing 5th among the twirler divisions (part of that score was costumes btw).

The other uniforms were like mini tuxedos. We had white poofy sleeves (which caught on the batons sometimes and were therefore an inherently stupid choice), black bow ties and black short-shorts. Now, the white top was actually a one-piece leotard so when you marched, the white “underwear” of the leotard would show. I was smart enough to wear a pair of blackpsuedo-panties over the white leotard but under the shorts so if I did flash, it didn’t show. One girl was notorious for flashing hers.

My senior year, we got new uniforms. These where white but also included our school colors of black and light blue. Sequins were minimal and there was a flirty little skirt, which covered our asses more than the black hotpants had (much to the dismay of the trombonists and saxophone players in the front row of the marching band). Not so long ago, I blogged about our being fitted for the new uniforms. They also had cute little 1940s style hats made of blue sequins. I was one of the few girls who knew how to wear the hat. One girl wore hers on the side of her head like a single earmuff. Most of the girls didn’t like the hat b/c it interfered with their big 80s hair.

Speaking of big 80s hair and majorette uniforms, I have a photo around here somewhere of me in the short-shorts outfit. If I find it, I’ll add it. Hawk knows where it is, I’m sure. After all, he played sax.

ETA: This is not the photo I was thinking of but Hawk suggested this one b/c it includes the white go-go boots I failed to mention:

On the same yearbook page was this photo:

That’s me in the miniskirt. The gawky young man in the glasses behind me is the father of my children. Ooh teh sexie!

ETA2: Here’s a tiny version of the photo I was looking for. It’s my “then” photo at Reunion.com

ETA3: And here’s a bigger version:

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Filed under Moi, This one time? At Band Camp?

Tags: band, Bumblefuck, high school, majorette, me, plus, sexography