Someone to blame

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So I saw this headline atop my Gmail and I had to click it to see if a few things I suspected were in here: Help for Sex-Starved Wives.

Ah, I knew it was here and I didn’t have to read very far: when a woman gets married, she gets fat and when she gets fat, her husband doesn’t want to have sex with her anymore.

But many women blame it on their physical appearance. Is that an issue?

Yes, and no. As I said before, sometimes guys are just overwhelmed, or they’re fatigued, or they’re drinking alcohol, which might lower their libido and their ability to function. So the “no” part is that it could have absolutely nothing to do with their wives.

But there’s a “yes” part, too, that I don’t want to overlook. I’ve gotten tons of e-mails and heard this many times from men in my practice, who say, “I love my wife. I want to stay married, but, I have to tell you, she has totally let herself go. She doesn’t eat well. She doesn’t exercise. All she ever wears is sweatpants. It makes me feel that she feels that the relationship isn’t important. I’ve just lost my attraction for her.” If [those wives] think there’s any chance at all that their looks may have something to do with the problem, rather than bemoan the fact that they think their husbands are shallow — I agree — they should also understand that attraction is a very basic, animalistic thing — especially for men. Men are more visually oriented when it comes to arousal. So women can debate that, but the truth is, if they really want their husbands be more interested in them, they should pay more attention to how they’re taking care of themselves physically.

i.e.: He thinks you’re too fat to fuck and it’s all your fault.

Now this comes after floating the idea that it might not be your fault because he might be gay. That, however, is his fault for marrying you before he realized he wanted an outie instead of an innie.

The article does have a couple of reasonable suggestions (perhaps there was abuse in his past, perhaps he’s depressed) but for the most part, it reads to me like a litmus test of where to place blame and why instead of “identify the problem and solve it using these tools.”

One of my most popular posts is “Sex for the married woman,” which came (ha) the day after a shorter, less interesting post about “sex for the married man.” the suggestion in the article that inspired that post was that you should blow your husband b/c it doesn’t take much time and you can get on with life. Not that there isn’t some element of truth to that but the further assumption was that married women don’t do this.

So here’s the list so far — Married women don’t get laid because:

1. they don’t do oral
2. they’re fat
3. they married a gay man

Okay now I did not launch the Hawkrocket last night. I’m inclined to think that #2 is the reason simply because of exclusion (I might be a plus size gal but that doesn’t stop my husband from enjoying the voluptuousness I offer). It has nothing to do with the fact that he had to work this weekend, getting up early, driving down the mountain to see about 30 patients before noon, even stopping in at the grocery store and coming home to play with kids and help clean up the kitchen.

Why are these people constantly telling me that I’m not getting any action? You know what it reminds me of? That Hillary Clinton thing I blogged over the weekend. There’s no problem but someone keeps telling me there’s a problem, trying to convince me of something I know isn’t true so she can achieve her own end (get a vote, sell a book, whatever). And if I’m dumb enough to eventually buy into it, I’m left feeling empty and inadequate and belittled with nothing to show for it but a cast ballot or a paperback.

People, ladies, men, partnered people, solo people: only you know if you’re not getting the desired level of intimate contact. There’s more to partnersex than the sex itself, which you know (but the articles kind of brush past). That’s something you can work on (you don’t have to have therapy per se; you can talk to your doctor or *gasp* your partner). As to sexual satisfaction, you don’t NEED a partner for that. In fact, knowing what will help you achieve that goal and what elements of the journey you most enjoy can enhance your relationship, believe it or not. Again, not something mentioned in these articles.

Scarleteen is a wonderful place to start and is appropriate for all age levels, sexual orientations and experiences. It may not be SFW depending on your work. It’s not porn though; it’s just information. And they don’t tell you you’re too fat to get laid or that the reason you’re not getting any is because your partner might not want the equipment you sport in the golden triangle.

Information is a wonderful thing to have.

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Filed under That’s fucked up

Tags: plus, sex, sexography