Breasts and thighs

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I have a lot of little things to yak about and since the kids are occupied with yarn and a flashlight, I thought I’d try.

First off, I’ve shared this tip twice in the last couple of weeks, so I’ll share it here. I hope everyone knows what “chub rub” is. It’s when you wear shorts or a skirt and your thighs rub together. Even when I was a size 8 in 8th grade, my thighs rubbed together. There’s no shame in admitting chub rub happens. So anyway, I saw a thing at Pretty Pear yesterday about what undergarments to wear under a skirt to prevent chub rub.

My reaction was, “Wear more clothes? I thought we were wearing skirts to stay cool and look good.” Then I realized that maybe not everyone has discovered the trick I came up with a few years ago: antiperspirant. Get yourself a “soft solid” (the kind that comes up through the little holes) and put a thin layer where your thighs touch (or breasts rub or arms rub or anyplace else you get a rash from sweating and/or rubbing). If it’s cool and you just want to avoid the rubbing rash, you only need to slather up one side. If it’s hot, it’ll keep you cool, keep the rash away and it actually helps keep your shorts from riding up (a little). Why buy more hot clothes to wear when a $4 stick of deodorant does the trick?

Now Holden has cleared all the toys off the coffee table and is dancing and stomping. Zoe’s watching “Miss Spider,” which seems to be on a never-ending loop on Noggin, and offering commentary. It’s like having Tim McCarver in here.

Speaking of baseball, next Tuesday is Bumblefuck Night at the Altoona Curve game. It’s the highest-attended night of the year, I hear. They have fireworks and everything. Hawk and I have free tickets to the picnic area. I’ve had free box seats before but I’ve never been to the picnic area. I’ll remember the camera this time.

Now Zoe is peeling brand new crayons and Holden is ripping apart a notepad shaped like a Z.

Hawk & I thoroughly approve of the Chick-Fil-A ripoff at McDonalds. We have no Chick-Fil-A around here. First time Hawk had one was on our first trip to Florida. We drove and went from Erie to Savannnah on the first day. Then we got to Cape Canaveral on the second day and stayed at a cool old hotel in Titusville, the kind you never find anymore but that used to be all over Florida when I was a kid. Then we spent a week at Disney and drove up to Destin for the conference he was attending.

Going from Orlando to Destin involved driving right on past Tallahassee so naturally I insisted that we spend a night there and buy a lot of FSU gear. The hotel was crap but I did all the driving and showed Hawk the sights. One of the sights was the Tallahassee Mall (where I had worked in two different stores) and in there was a Chick-Fil-A. Hawk is a chicken freak (and now Holden calls all food “chicken”) and the idea that he’d never had the best fast-food chicken was a travesty. So I said we were having lunch at Chick-Fil-A.

“What’s on the sandwich?”

“A pickle.”

“Seriously. Like mayonaise? Sauce? What?”

“A pickle chip. You can take it off if you don’t like it.”

“Mustard?”

“The bun is buttered and toasted. They put a pickle on it. That’s it.”

We were waiting in line b/c you almost always wait in line at a Chick-Fil-A. I showed him the condiments area where they had packs of mayo, mustard, ketchup and all the other uckies he feared would be slipped into his sandwich. Finally he trusted me and then ordered his #1 and said to the order-taker, “There’s nothing on it, right?”

And from that day on, when Hawk sees a Chick-Fil-A, he needs a sandwich. We had one in Fort Collins during our Year In Colorado. The closest one we know of here is in Monroeville. We forgot there’s one in Erie now and completely missed it b/c we didn’t go to upper Peach until we were on our way out of town. Hawk wants to go back and go to the Chick-Fil-A.

So anyway…

I saw the “southern style” chicken sandwiches advertised on TV and thought, “Those look like Chick-Fil-A.”

“…on a buttered, toasted bun…”

Sounds like Chick-Fil-A.

“…with a pickle chip.”

Yay! McDonald’s ripped off Chick-Fil-A! So I tell Hawk that McD’s is now selling Chick-Fil-As. He doesn’t believe me. I tell him, “It’s ’southern style’ on a buttery toasted bun with a pickle and that’s it.

“No mayo?”

“I’m telling you, it’s a Chick-Fil-A in a McDonald’s wrapper.”

So earlier this week we were low on food and decided to go to McD’s. I said, “I’m getting the new chicken sandwich.”

“Are you sure it’s plain?”

“Oh for fucksakes, I told you. And look at the picture.” I gestured to the advertisements in the Bumblefuck McD’s windows. “It’s exactly like Chick-Fil-A. It’s a pickle and nothing else.”

So we pull up to the drive-thru and I know what’s going to happen. He orders my #8 with a Sprite, two McNuggets Happy Meals with Hi C and says, “That #8 sandwich, what’s on it?”

Dude at McD’s: “It’s a southern style chicken breast served on a buttery toasted bun with a pickle chip.”

Hawk: “No mayo or mustard or anything?”

Me: “I told you there’s not.”

Dude: “Um, no.”

Hawk: “Okay then a #8 with a Sprite.”

When we get home, he peeks in the bun before eating it. And then a bite later, he declared it “my new order from McDonald’s.” It loses something without the waffle fries but we can live with it.

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Tags: chick-fil-a, hawk, mcdonalds, plus