So it’s a gorgeous day and I take my kids out to play. I suggest that maybe they could play with the sand table and so Zoe & I dig out some sand. Then I decide that the easiest way to fill the water side of it is with the hose. The hose is on an upright reel under a spigot that’s attached to the house. So I go to unspool the hose a little and turn it on.
I see something under the reel and this is my thought process, which took about four seconds:
Is that leaves? No it’s a worm. No it’s too big to be a worm, it’s a
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
And I quite literally screamed. Twice. I’m not a screamer really. I’m more of a gasper. In this case, the gasp gave me the oxygen that led to:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Twice.
So I say, “Get up on the porch!”
Zoe says, “Why?”
I say (god help me), “Because there’s a snake under the hose. Get up on the porch. Both of you. Right now.”
I kick the hose reel. Why? I have no idea. It goes, “Oh sssshit.” And starts to slither away.
*pause for me to put my feet up under the desk*
It’s probably about two feet long, which of course translates to 27 feet long. It’s brownish and it has markings on it. I haven’t yet gathered the courage to look up what it is.
I watch it. It’s UP AGAINST THE BASE OF MY FUCKING HOUSE and it’s headed toward the garage.
I finally get Holden to stay on the porch and I run in for the phone. I take off the Caller ID block and accidentally hit “0″ in my panicked state. I hang that up and I call Hawk’s cell.
Hawk: “Yes? What is it?”
Me: “I’m just going to say this. There’s a SNAKE in the back yard! Right by where MY CHILDREN play! Under the hose!”
Hawk: “Do you want me to get rid of it?”
Me: “YES!”
He comes down so fast, his tie is up over his shoulder. He gets out the shovel and starts poking around while I describe it.
He never found it.
It’s still out there, maybe even in my garage. I don’t think it could get in through the dryer vent b/c it’s high off the ground (oh I checked that when we saw the house) but still. Hawk thinks it’s in the flower bed beside the garage. I’m hoping it might have decided it’s too noisy and horrible here and sought out greener pastures.
I want a mongoose. Right here. Right now.
I’m fucking serious.
Failing that, I’ll take a dog or an outdoor cat or something.
I’m seriously considering calling a pest controller. They can be out in the woods where they belong but once they come through the cut grass? It’s war.
I can’t even walk through the house without looking down constantly. God knows where this fucking thing went. I know I’m going to have nightmares tonight. I just know it. I’m as much a nervous wreck as I have ever been at this moment. And before he leaves, Hawk says, “Are you okay?”
My throat still hurts. I need a drink.
19 Comments
August 18, 2008 at 2:05 pm
OMG OMGOMGOMG!!
You don’t think it will squiggle up through the toilet, do you?
August 18, 2008 at 2:34 pm
Bygones, but I just cannot help from laughing at this post. You were right to be frightened about the snake. But there are plenty of harmless, non-poisonous snakes slithering about Pennsylvania. I hope this particular visitor to your yard has since moved on to parts unknown and does not darken your door, so to speak, again for its sake as well as yours !!!
August 18, 2008 at 2:55 pm
oh no!
check ‘eastern milk snake’
August 18, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I hope it’s moved away. Also? Best bet is the mongoose because cats & dogs suck at snake-catching, IME.
August 18, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Aw. Poor snake. It probably slithered off and died of fright.
August 18, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Here, you can identify it: http://grove.cs.jmu.edu/parih/snakes.html
This factsheet says there are 18 nonvenomous species in Pennsylvania and only 3 venomous species: http://www.fish.state.pa.us/factsnake.htm
August 18, 2008 at 4:14 pm
I don’t WANT to check Eastern Milk Snake! But I came back online to start checking. My drink kicked in. I feel “brave.”
August 18, 2008 at 4:50 pm
you know snakes can climb brickwork. The scales on their bellies stick to the rough surface and they can slowly slither sinuously skyward. So don’t just look down, it might be hanging off the wall right next to you
August 18, 2008 at 4:59 pm
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
That is all.
August 18, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Oh, man! Snakes…icky, slithery, evil things. I kicked at a piece of ‘rubber tire’ when I was a kid, and yeah…it moved and I screamed and my step-dad had to pick me up and carry me to safety.
Call pest control. You won’t have peace till you know where it is…and that it’s either removed, or, much more pleasing scenario, DEAD.
Good luck. And wear boots.
August 18, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Can we name it Bucky?
August 18, 2008 at 5:47 pm
Sympathies. That must have sucked hard. And I thought I heard a *very* distant scream of sheer terror…
August 18, 2008 at 6:20 pm
“Bucky” indeed.
Oh and it doesn’t need to climb the brickwork. I know that what it’s done, it’s gone in above the acoustic tiles in the playroom (ie: about ground level where it was) and it’s waiting until I’m engrossed in The Sims and it’s going to jump out of the ceiling at me.
“Bucky.” Gah!
You people mock my pain!
August 18, 2008 at 8:29 pm
I’m guessing that snakes are not your favorite people?
August 18, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Brown with markings sounds like a garder snake or maybe even a ball python (perhaps a neighbor’s pet got loose?). I wouldn’t worry too much about it (better said than done), Hawk is probably right, it’s in the flowerbeds. If we lived closer I would send Joshua to find it for you, he does reptile rescue up here. He’s rescued several indiginous PA snakes from yards of people who hate snakes. Usually he just takes them back to the woods. Currently, he has as his pets, a burmese python (ab0ut 14 feet long), and 2 boas (about 3-5 feet long) in his reptile room in the basement. Just be careful, and always wear shoes when you go outside. And remember, they are much more afraid of your than you are of them. Snakes view size like we do, they KNOW we are bigger, hence their fear. Good luck, chica.
August 18, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Does he need gas money?
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August 19, 2008 at 12:48 am
Lol, if he had a day off this week I could probably suggest a road trip. You should read my latest blog entry, we had a pretty exciting weekend adventure with Asia, our burmese python.
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